The Spy
by ilurandir
Summary: Remus and Sirius struggle to hold their relationship together even as their friendship and their world begins to crumble around them. Complete. Please read and review.


Remus studied the table; an uncomfortable silence hovering between him and the dark-haired man across from him, who he knew was watching him intently.

Suddenly, Sirius pushed his chair back, the legs scraping loudly on the floor, heavy boots hitting the hardwood as he stood and began stuffing his fags and his lighter into his pocket. He slipped his wand up his sleeve and with one last fleeting look at Remus, who still hadn't looked up, he headed for the door.

"Where are you going, Sirius?" Remus asked softly, finally raising his blue eyes to not-quite-meet Sirius's.

"Nowhere." Sirius said before pulling the door open and stepping outside into the cold rain.

Remus winced as the door closed, too loudly behind him. The silence closed in on him again. Somehow it was so much worse, without the noise of the storm outside and Sirius's breathing to fill the silence.

Damn this war… Damn this war and this secrecy.

He closed his eyes and pressed his hand against his forehead, letting out a heavy sigh.

He never knew where Sirius went anymore.

. . .

Early in the morning, Sirius returned home to find the kitchen dark and empty.

Usually Remus left the lights on for him, but tonight was different. He slammed his hip off of the corner of the counter and cursed loudly, fumbling around for the light switch and knocking something over with a clatter.

It was strange, he thought, for Moony to live in a Muggle flat, but Remus had told him it was because the Muggles couldn't possibly know about his condition and, therefore, couldn't evict him for it.

Besides, there was a nice, little abandoned warehouse just around the corner and a bit where he could go for his monthly transformations. Convenient.

Sirius squinted dark eyes as the light came on. He set the pan he had knocked off back up on its hook on the wall. "Bugger," he stated to the empty kitchen.

He glanced down the hallway towards Remus's room, and felt his stomach clench oddly. He'd been living with Remus on and off for several months now… since they'd gotten out of school, but recently he'd been spending more and more time at James's house in Godric's Hollow.

The Order meeting he'd gone to tonight, without Remus. Without Remus even _knowing_, confused Sirius at first. On the way there, he'd tried to ignore the dread building up inside him. The walk to their various apparition points was longer without Remus there beside him.

He'd known the moment he walked into the room that something was amiss. The only other people there were Peter, James, Lily and Dumbledore. Perhaps it was the absence of all of the other members. Perhaps it was just the way that Lily and James had looked at him.

"There is a spy among us." Dumbledore told the four of them once it was clear Sirius was not going to sit down. He was too tense for that, something pressed at his chest.

"And you think it's Remus, then?" Sirius asked too sharply as he pushed sopping hair from his eyes. He didn't bother to keep the sudden anger out of his voice.

Beside him, Peter shifted slightly in his chair. Sirius ignored him. His eyes were fixed on Dumbledore's and he seemed to be just _daring_ the man to prove him right.

"We have to take precautions-" the old headmaster began.

James cleared his throat. "Really, Proff—er…" (Old habits died hard, Sirius thought.) "Professor, I don't think that Moon-Remus is the one… I mean, just because he's a werewolf…" James trailed off, not really sure what he was going to say in the first place.

"I don't suspect him any more than I suspect the four of you." Dumbledore told them calmly, not seeming to notice Sirius's glower, "But as I have said: precautions must be taken. Voldemort is attempting to recruit everyone he can. Especially those who have been mistreated by Wizarding society. Giants, vampires, werewolves-"

"Oh, skip the lecture," Sirius snapped, surprising even himself… but he didn't have to worry about being expelled anymore. "And explain to me why you're including _Remus_ in these categories at all- Just because he's a werewolf, doesn't make him like the others. I've seen the werewolves you're talking about and Remus isn't like them, he's-"

"I understand that, and I agree with you fully, Mr Black," Dumbledore assured him, maybe looked at him a moment too long before continuing. "However, there is too much at stake to take risks… any risks."

Sirius's hand clutched at the edge of the table hard before he let out an impatient "Tsch," and looked away, shoving another handful of hair out of his face.

"What if we're willing to take that risk?" Lily asked suddenly, her green eyes fixed on Dumbledore. "I don't think that Remus is any danger to any of us either," she stated.

Albus smiled warmly at her. "Nor do I, as I have already stated."

"So, I don't see the problem," Sirius muttered darkly, a little too loudly, still looking determinedly the other way.

Dumbledore continued as though he hadn't heard. "I am sure that Remus would understand."

No one said a word. Sirius stared a moment at James. James had looked down at the table and didn't look up again.

Sirius moved suddenly. This was betrayal, plain and simple. "Are we done here?" he snapped.

"Sirius-" James began, hazel eyes flickering to him from under that mess of hair… but Sirius was already halfway out the door. He seemed to be doing that a lot lately. Leaving as quickly as he could. It was like he was adrift… nowhere really felt like home anymore. He just ended up storming from one place to the other. There was too much fear everywhere.

Tension had mounted weeks ago between Remus and him. It was like they'd run out of things to say, and that terrified Sirius more than he ever thought it would. They were afraid to talk to each other like they used to. Of course, they had never talked liked he and James had, but Remus was Remus, and Sirius had grown used to his quiet and his awkwardness.

The war was pressing down on them hard, when just under a year ago they had been positive that it would never touch them. They were the Marauders after all.

How wrong they were.

. . .

Sirius stripped off his jacket and scarf, shivering a little. The electric heat was bad, and he'd never quite learned how to work it anyway. Flicking off the kitchen light once he'd mapped out his way to their room (a journey which, he hoped, should end without him running into or otherwise knocking over anything else), he made his way down the hall as quietly as he could, and pushed the door open. It squeaked slightly on hinges, damp from the seasonal rain that always managed to creep into their flat somehow. Sirius strongly suspected that it was through the windows that wouldn't quite close all the way; the wood at the bottom rotting away slowly but surely.

He needn't have bothered being quiet.

"I don't think they heard you in Surrey, Sirius," came Remus's voice from the bed.

The quarter moon shone in through the window, illuminating one of Remus's long-fingered, pale hands and a bit of his brown hair. _'Barely twenty years old and already going grey,' _Sirius would tease him.

"Yeah," came the dark-haired man's reply. He flinched at how he couldn't even think of what to say. Imagine. Sirius Black, speechless.

He heard Remus shift under the covers, making room for him.

Their eyes met once, briefly, as Sirius slipped into that warmth, and he felt his breath catch before Remus abruptly turned away from him and burrowed under the blankets again.

Sirius's eyes flickered over him, almost hurt, before he turned away as well and shivered, still trying to get warm in the cold room.

Sleep didn't come easy, and watery-morning sunlight was already climbing up the walls before he finally drifted off.

Remus had long since lost touch with James and Lily and little Harry, He knew it was because they suspected him of being the spy for Voldemort.

It was only a precaution, he told himself. Because he was a werewolf. He would do the same thing, had he been in James's situation, with a baby to care for, and a new wife…

He would do the same thing.

Sirius hadn't told him any of this but Remus wasn't a stupid man. He'd figured it out for himself. In fact, he'd figured it out long ago, when the Order had stopped giving him real missions and only issued him paperwork to translate, or distribute.

He didn't hold it against James or Lily or Dumbledore or the other members of the Order. And he certainly didn't hold it against Sirius. But it was hard not to blame himself when there was no one else to blame. He knew he shouldn't…

He looked up at Sirius to find him staring out the kitchen window, his forehead creased in worry.

"Moony," he said suddenly, startling Remus even though he was looking at him.

"Yes?"

"You know… Prongs and I don't-… Never mind."

"Don't what, Sirius?"

"I said 'never mind', didn't I?" Sirius snapped. He felt bad, automatically, but it was second nature these days. Everyone was strung so tight it felt like they would snap at any moment. No one to trust, and so many secrets. He didn't look at him after he said it, but he caught Remus's small flinch out of the corner of his eye. The way he just looked back down at the book he was reading, fingers slipping over the front cover. Fiddling like he'd used to do in school.

" I'm sorr-."

"Don't!" Sirius said, making Remus fix widened eyes on him, then looked back down at the book quickly, as though caught doing something he shouldn't. It had been louder than he'd intended. More hurtful.

In a softer tone, eyes lowered to his own pale hand in his lap. "Don't apologize."

When he finally looked back up at him, Remus's eyes weren't moving over the words in front of him. He was just staring down at the page.

After a moment, he stood up and left the room, leaving his book face-down on the table, and Sirius let his head fall into his hands.

Remus's breathing was low and even beside him, and Sirius let the covers fall from his shoulders as he slowly, carefully sat up, letting the chill of the room hit him. He cursed under his breath as he shivered, and goosebumps jumped out over his skin.

Suddenly a strong hand was on his arm, just below his shoulder. A voice slightly heavy from sleep. "Where are you going?"

He looked back at Remus through a curtain of dark hair. The moon was almost full and he could see Remus's eyes watching him intently from under his fringe, which was getting too long.

Sirius sighed, looking away from him. It was another Order meeting… without Remus. He hadn't wanted Remus to even know that he was gone. He didn't want Remus to know that the people he thought were his friends thought him a spy -Even Sirius did now. He couldn't help it. Some pretty convincing points had been made at the last meeting that Remus didn't attend. If Remus ever found that out… that he, Sirius, didn't trust him… Sirius had to force down the bile that had risen in his throat that night, when he realized that Remus could indeed be the spy. That he was agreeing…

And it was this night… right here and now, Remus clutching his arm in the dark, Sirius shivering in the night air, that he realized that Remus thought the same of him. After all… he was the closest to James. Easy for him to pass information to Voldemort, and he was a Black. Despite how much Sirius had tried to separate himself from them, he had never really succeeded. He would be one of the first Voldemort would look to. Oldest son of one of the purest houses. One of the best in his year…

"I don't want to lie to you." Sirius finally said, finding his voice choked. He swallowed, hoping that it would help.

Remus's hand tightened. "Then don't."

"Moony-"

"Just tell me Sirius."

Sirius didn't answer. Remus withdrew his hand.

"I'm so sick of this," Remus whispered, lying on his back and staring at the ceiling.

"Me too," Sirius's voice was softer, for once, than Remus's.

"I would never hurt James or Lily. Or Harry."

"I know," Sirius answered. He wanted to believe it.

"You're not going to tell me where you're going, are you?" Remus asked. _I'm sorry, Sirius, I'm sorry… I want to trust you._

"See you in the morning, Moony," Sirius said, dreading the outcome. God. He was cold. He was always so bloody cold now.

He felt the bed shift under him, and Remus's breath against his neck. Remus pressed his lips against the skin behind Sirius's ear, fingers smoothing his black, uneven hair back.

Sirius let his eyes flutter shut, and twisted around to push his hand into Remus's hair. It was growing too long. He might have competition soon, he thought, stupidly.

Sirius shivered again. He was so sick of this. Sick of the lying, the war, everything.

He was sick of sitting in on conversations that Remus wasn't allowed to take part in. Remus was already excluded from too much. Had always been.

Sirius wouldn't partake in this anymore. Or at least not tonight. He slipped down under the covers again.

"Sirius?" came Remus's voice in the dark, beside him. Questioning. Confused.

"I won't."

"Huh?"

"I mean I will… stay here. I won't go… Never mind."

He heard that familiar laugh. More an exhale through the nose than anything, the faint smile on his lips. That was Remus-code for 'I don't understand you at all,' and 'Sirius, you're a crazy bastard,' and 'Thank you.'

No. There would be no more lies. Even as he thought it, he knew it was impossible.

"Hey, Moony."

"Hm?"

"We should buy a warmer flat."

Remus laughed again.

_I forgive you._


End file.
